busted

So Ex contacted me.

Out of the blue he looked at one of my profiles.  I guess it wasn't really out of the blue.  He'd looked at other ones, over the past few months.  But this time I checked his profile out in return.  Nothing had changed, so I thought it was just one of those things.  I showed up on his viewer and he was like, "oh yeah him."  I mean I've done it myself, with Larry, Dave.  Even that kid who was a furry and looked like Harry Potter.

But after looking at his profile, he checked mine out again.  So.... that meant something.  At first I thought, "What the hell is so interesting about my profile?"  So I looked at it and saw that it was painfully maudlin.  I changed it to reflect my current attitude towards life.  Then checked his profile again.

And later, he checked mine again.

I think we tagged each other again one last time and I could feel that Shadow Me starting to lurk, ask questions.  I've learned to accept this part of me and mostly ignore it.  But he asked that horrible question that, when said, demands an answer:  "Why?"

I thought for a while and sent a fb message asking why we were playing peekaboo profiles.  He said he'd contact me after ten.  My allergies had been on the rampage, and as I knew he stayed up late (usually) I told him if he didn't catch me because of my passing out to try again at 2 or 3 a.m.

We've had brief chats.  He said some stuff that made me feel better, which he must have known he didn't need to say.  I couldn't blame him for leaving.  I'm surprised he gave me a second glance, the way I was.  But I do know that I've made great progress in getting my life together.  Heck, my kitchen is almost clean.  Not spotless, but not the mildewed science experiment that it was.

I've sent him my phone number.  I hope to hear from him.  Hopefully when my allergies aren't making me sound like a walking bag of snot.  It would just be good to hear his voice again.

I told him I still loved him.  He returned it in kind.  Maybe I can start listening to Cutie Boots again without feeling like a heel.