Thursday, September 11, 2014

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The Big Day

This is it, then.   I get this job today or I'm out, on unemployment til that's done, then just working in a call center for the rest of my life.

The good news is my imaging sounds tight.  I'm actually worried about over producing one of the stations.  Admittedly I am using all my tricks and shortcuts, but it's sounding good.  My life will change again, and once again it will be for the better.

I have another post in me about life change.   Come this December will be the anniversary of when I was able to kick not only the drinking habit (aside from beer) but also depression, for a while.  If things go right for me again, I'll have to make a post on that.  Might be the last thing I need this blog for.  I hope that turns out to be true.

Anyway, shower, shave, then work.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

And then, without warning... position opens up.  My friend suggests me for this, which is good because she's now a bigwig at that place.

And then... one in the upper-midwest.  Not a bad market, great if you like beer and sports, I guess... imaging rock stations.  I apply.

And then...

I see A Really Big Deal.

I ask my friend if this Really Big Deal is real or just an EOE filing, and he says it is real, after talking to a bigwig about it, and apparently talking me up for the job.

The Bigwig says to send a package to So-And-So.  At this point I allow myself to pee just a little, because I used to work with this person a while back.  I wonder if he remembers me and I send him some stuff.

He does.

I am eating jalapeno beer cheese spread and Wheat-Thins right now and am a tad nervous.

Friday, August 22, 2014

A Series of Unlikely Events

One was having another grand mal seizure.  This was from drinking.

I had done so well for half a year without drinking.  Then June hit. and everything hit at once, and I didn't care anymore.  I seriously didn't care at all anymore.  I tried to stay on the meds, but why?  We weren't going to be friends again.  When that became obvious even to my thick skull, I just gave up.  I'd lost my job, the one I loved, and all care for the world.  I kept trying to get back on the Zoloft but it didn't feel like before.

I look at my bookshelf that I haven't packed.  I should throw away the Nexus 7 packaging.  Why is it still there?  Sentimental.  Mrs. Peregrine's Home For Peucliar Children... why isn't it sold?  You finished it, I never did.  More and more I think after my cousin comes help move most of my stuff into storage for me, I should give up and move home and get a job at the factory Keith works at. 

Last night, I got a gmail alert.  "Ding."

"Your friend xxxxxx has recommended you for a job..."

And I clicked the link and read about the job.

And for the first time in months, I'm excited.  Years, even.  This job was practically created for me.  My friend knows it.

So I cut short the trip this weekend taking junk home to come back and put together a more appropriate demo.

My head is spinning right now about it.  It is a perfect job for me and my entire life would change.  And best of all, the things in the past would become that... the past.  No longer something I need to drag out of the tide and examine the contents of.

Sure, I'd have to say goodbye to family, but once a year I'd see them.  Besides, I can see what I saw in Dad two years ago in Mom... her age is changing her. I don't want to see that.  Keith will be better at dealing with her.  Heck, he almost talked me into the ambulance.  Just was a tad too mean about it.

Finishing up the demo and crossing my fingers.  Maybe a new life will start soon.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

But they keep dry clicking their revolvers at my head

I should preface this with I do not have suicidal thoughts.

But I do, in fact, think about my death a lot.

For example, if I had a stroke right now, packing shit up and stressing out, if I had a stroke right now, I'd die.  And nobody in the world would care.

My body would lie slumped over this laptop, drooling on the keyboard.  And a stroke would be a horrible way to die alone, being paralyzed and unable to call for help.  And then just knowing my mind would run through all my sins and would focus on myself.

And that's how they'd find me.  My little brother, probably.  Slumped over and half naked and decaying.

And nobody would miss me.  I'm part of nobody's life.  The funeral would be sparse.  Nobody would even leave flowers at my tombstone after the first year.

Makes me wonder why I bother going on.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Death, murder, mayhem, devastation and horror

Well this has been quite the week, hasn't it.

First, the suicide of Robin Williams and having to react to all the stupid shit posts that came with that, about how he was "selfish" and should have just worked through his depression, because everybody knows that's so easy to do... don't you just take some happy pills? 

Then watching Ferguson devolve into a cesspit of racism and lawlessness, then re-emerge from it in peace, only to devolve once again at the end of the week.

Plus, finding out that I was not the lead candidate for the job in Virginia after all, and that they were close to closing on an agreement and it should be final by Tuesday, which I found out yesterday morning, driving home another load of stuff from Dayton.

Then early this morning, finding out that Roger from Peoria lost his partner Carl to a heart attack.