Sunday, January 25, 2015

Rise of the Lumbersexual

I hate that term.  Anyway...

I'm really not getting beard culture, which seems all the rage these days.

I also don't get foot fetishists, or water sports.  Or Russel T. Davies' insistence that all relationships be multi-racial... I mean, ALL of them, Russ?  It'd be great if that was the world we lived in, but I don't see it.  Perhaps I've been sheltered all my life.

I'd like to say that what gets under my skin about beard culture is that I don't think people who can't grow a beard should do it, or rather, you should grow it to the length that it looks good on you.  I can grow a beard, but if I don't trim it, I look horrifyingly like a homeless person, and not the kind you would gladly give money to, but the kind you shoot glances at on the subway any time they cough for fear of catching the ebola.

I found this out when I had the leg trauma and had to spend a few weeks in the hospital.  I'd already, at that point, let my beard grow out too far, and was overdue an appointment with Tam.  By the time I got out and got done with treatment, I actually couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.  Which is not to say that some guys didn't find that attractive, because I did seem to get hit on a little more than usual when I went out, but almost always by guys I had no interest at all in being with for any reason.

I know part of my dislike of monstrous beards is because it seems, at least to me, that it only became acceptable to have a huge unkempt one after the Duck Dynasty show blew up, and that's kind of insulting.  Last thing I'd want to do is resemble one of those clods.

But I know that it mostly has to do with the same reason I don't generally like long hair on my head either.  It seems like a lot of work.  Keeping clean and in the shower and all, never mind that I wouldn't even be able to have Frosted Flakes anymore.  And frankly, the people I know who put a lot of work into their hair are all girls.

So I guess my conclusion, therefore, must be that big giant fuzzy beards seem feminine to me, which, I'm assuming, is the opposite reason of why they are being grown in the first place.  This will not score me a lot of points making new friends, but oh well.

I also strangely wonder if the guys who actually did have the beards before it became hip are regretting keeping them or tripping out in some new blissful version of reality.  I dunno, how did emo kids feel when Hot Topic started popping up in malls?

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