Saturday, April 11, 2015

My reviews of the states

Kentucky:  If we had had proper rainfall this year, it would have been a normal spring and everything would have been green and smelled nice.  Between cities was unremarkable.  Louisville was surprisingly pleasant to drive through, not much traffic to deal with.

Indiana:  Boring, and once again I took a big gay dump in Santa Claus.  I was not even denied a wedding pizza.

Illinois:  Not much to talk about here.

Missouri:  East side of the state smells like poop.  Do not bother to complain to the locals about it, they will not believe you because they can't smell it.  It's because of the Mississippi River, I assume, since Memphis smells the same.

They've finished the construction that used to vex me in St. Louis, so it was a smooth ride.  It was weird seeing all the road and city signs again knowing they weren't leading to the happy weekends I used to associate with them.

This was the state with the most insects.  I left a Days Inn and saw no less than three Storm Chasers gathered in the parking lot preparing to, chase storms.  A woman larger than me (with a shirt that read "run the red lines" that outlined a special area of Tornado Alley) walked haphazardly past me on two leg braces and canes, eager to get back to The Good Work.  

Iowa:  A desolate shit-hole.  Also there was snow.

Nebraska:  A desolate shit-hole.

Wyoming:  I'd been in Wyoming before, but not this part.  Very impressive welcome sign on the border, and striking mountains began to rise.  Saw my first wind farms and my first tumbleweed.  And a bunny.  I did not see Devil's Tower.

Utah:  Amazingly beautiful, and since that's me talking about nature, it should be a strong indication of how pretty it was. I'd love to actually visit, since beauty lasts approximately 150 miles.  Also the Star Wars fans there do not know how to spell:

Nevada:  Every rest stop in Nevada is intended to addict you to gambling.  Even the Arby's had a casino.  It starts literally at the border, with a big casino town.  Traffic was tumultuous so I did not notice much of Reno, but the roads were for shit.

California:  They check you for produce at the border.  The guy in the truck in front of me was pulled over because he was hauling something they had to confiscate.  My movers warned me of the dreaded Gypsy Moth which has no natural predators in California, and which would land me in prison if anything they were moving was infested with Moth larvae.  The inspectors, however... they just waved me through.

I am in my extended stay hotel now, have already had a few offers for companionship, which I've turned down, and have had my first unremarkable pizza.  Tonight I am just staying in... tomorrow my new life begins.  It is a pity it will begin alone.

If I wasn't so sore I would be seeing Alabama Shakes tonight.  Instead I will just be sleeping more.

I do not think I like pizza with bits of garlic chunks on it.

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