I've spent so much time in the past year and a half getting sober and healthy. I switched from Captain Morgan's to Henry Weinhard beer when it was made available here. That is when things started to change for the better for me. I could have a beer and sleep... I wasn't a drunk anymore. Too little too late. Then one weekend, frustrated after learning that he had already been in a relationship this whole time we were talking... That's all it took for the dangerous activity to start back up. Hating myself, hating what I became. Looking for something to hurt me, because that's always great.
The one good thing I can say about this experience was it made me reach out to others. I've actually gone on dates. A new friend came over last night and stayed, making sure I took my meds and listening to my words. He helped check my blood pressure twice. A little high, but nothing to worry about. He held me when I didn't want to be held. I told him I was a bad person, he said he didn't believe me. I told him I'd wind up hurting him. He promised he wouldn't let me hurt him or myself. We went to bed and he told me I was good. I started to believe him. I trusted him.
We woke early and I took him home. He wants to hang out more often. I do too. If he'll make time for me.
So maybe something good did happen.