Thursday, May 15, 2014

Tonight the stars revolt

I joked that tornadoes were headed to my apartment last night to murder me.  I did not know this was pretty close to the truth.  Although they weren't really close... it was about 40 minutes away... but they were F3's, which are pretty fucking mean and scary.

Here in south Dayton, it was just a big, loud, calming thunderstorm.  I do not know why I like thunderstorms.  I'd like to say something artsy, like they represent change and eventual growth, you know, hippie shit like that, but I'm pretty sure I just like the spectacle.  

Eventually I made a level in Titanfall and retired to the bedroom, opening the window to listen to the rain rather than a book on tape as is the norm nowadays.  The thunder kept me calm, but it did make that night's dreams discomforting.

I am finding that I'm being hit on a lot nowadays, but I do not really do anything with it.  Right now I just want to exist.  I do not need to be part of something else to be made whole.  That type of thinking is what has led me to make many bad decisions.  It encourages me to let something stay in my life when I should dispose of it, digging it up by the root so that it cannot find purchase again.  

One common mistake everybody makes is that they think everybody views the world just like they do.  This is especially bad for people suffering from depression.  When the people you care about can't understand why you act the way you act, as if you want those feelings (or, non-feelings), they write you off, as if you wouldn't change it even if you could.  It took losing the most important person in my life to get me to even try anti-depressants.  They didn't even work that well, but they did make some difference.  In the end, they were feeling like just another pill, and I've been off them for a while without any obvious consequences.

I have to wonder what life would have been like if I'd started them ten years ago.

Anyway.  I think I'm gonna play an early game of Titanfall and get in bed early.  Tomorrow is Godzilla.

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