i'm so tired of waiting and snow i'm not even going to punctuate this correctly. normally when I see others doing the same thing i think about how lazy or dumb they must be, usually both, and i laugh a little inside at them. now i'm feeling the same about myself, lazy and dumb.
today, when today gets here, i'll be going to lexington and having dinner with an old work mate and tell them whats going on. mainly because i want to make them shit their pants. the thing is, with kentucky winning in the ncaa, they want me to freelance and they think because i'm unemployed right now that i'll trip over myself to do it for them. well no because first, unemployment is paying me more than they would, and also fuck them that's why. you can pay a guy in LA what you were paying me to slap music under a VO and that's what you wanted? could have told me that from the start, i could have done my job remotely, every argument you made about me needing to be in studio was your narcissism and ego and need to strut about the place like the cock of the walk. go swim so more in your tiny pond, big fish. you got your money's worth. also i fucked a guy in my studio one night, right where i'd keep the krispy kremes you loved munching on, so think on that.
hard to believe that it's still going to be a month before anything happens. at least the snow is letting up. i guess this weekend is some big bear event in lexington, i guess i'll go to it. maybe that bootblack guy will be there. if I hadn't been dating Ex at the time i might have hooked up with him that one night. my bad, i won't be such a prude this time.
wish i had boots for him to polish, i think he gets off on that. oh well.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
BAM
I posted recently about how we all, unfortunately, savor vengeance, when it is just. The first person I was contacted about a job prospect for recently posted the same job again. Apparently the guy he hired instead of me was a druggie and did not last long.
If cards had fallen differently, I'd reapply... but nah.
Back to snow.
"You don't live in Dayton anymore...?"
...was the line. "Aw, we never got the chance to get together."
Uh, yeah, we did. Both times I was treated to no-shows. And then silence on communications when I did ask what happened, NICELY ASKED, because I needed a reason to go out anyway, but still...
"Any chance you'll be up this way again?"
I told him the truth; yes, to get my stuff out of storage to send to my next living space, but not a return to live in Dayton for any reason.
"Well, lemme know, maybe we can finally get together :-P"
I said, I'll let you know when I know more. And I will. But I don't really expect that we'll be meeting up.
Back to the snow.
Uh, yeah, we did. Both times I was treated to no-shows. And then silence on communications when I did ask what happened, NICELY ASKED, because I needed a reason to go out anyway, but still...
"Any chance you'll be up this way again?"
I told him the truth; yes, to get my stuff out of storage to send to my next living space, but not a return to live in Dayton for any reason.
"Well, lemme know, maybe we can finally get together :-P"
I said, I'll let you know when I know more. And I will. But I don't really expect that we'll be meeting up.
Back to the snow.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Fuck this
I usually don't whine about the weather. There are plenty of other things to complain about. But before I get to those other things, FUCK THIS WEATHER.
And also fuck some medical staff. I have been trying to get health insurance since being let go last year, and didn't get it until January 3rd or so, which meant it wouldn't kick in until February 2nd, which was two days away from the end of my drugs running out.
Mind you, these are not controlled substances, just blood pressure drugs. I went to the clinic first, because I wasn't going to be able to get to see the doctor I wanted to see. So because my blood pressure was sky-high (as I said it would be as I was stressed out) I got lectured that they couldn't just give me meds willy-nilly because they weren't working anymore, seemingly. I countered that I didn't want a full prescription, just enough to get through to my actual doctor's appointment, and was lectured again that it would be irresponsible of them to do that...
...so, what? I couldn't get in to the doctor I wanted to see immediately after my insurance began, and they wouldn't take me before it began, or even to register to see him, so would it be MORE responsible to just let my prescriptions lapse and then go into my doctor's appointment two weeks later with stroke-level blood pressure because I was on NO drugs?
What, was I trying to SCAM them outta some of them sweet, sweet blood pressure drugs, that make me half-impotent most of the time? HOW SWEET to only be able to get half an erection, can we please keep it going? Or maybe I was just jonesing for more of the seizure medicine that makes my pee smell like two-day old burnt coffee? THAT SMELLS SO GREAT COMING OUT OF MY COCK.
How does half this dumbass county's kids get access to goddamn Oxycontin as easy as aspirin and I can't get fucking blood pressure meds??? WTF!
Calm.
The governor has issued an emergency declaration since most of the state is snowbound, and pharmacists can fill 30-days worth of non-controlled prescriptions without doctor's permissions. So now I just have to make it to Kroger tomorrow.
FUCK THIS WEATHER.
And also fuck some medical staff. I have been trying to get health insurance since being let go last year, and didn't get it until January 3rd or so, which meant it wouldn't kick in until February 2nd, which was two days away from the end of my drugs running out.
Mind you, these are not controlled substances, just blood pressure drugs. I went to the clinic first, because I wasn't going to be able to get to see the doctor I wanted to see. So because my blood pressure was sky-high (as I said it would be as I was stressed out) I got lectured that they couldn't just give me meds willy-nilly because they weren't working anymore, seemingly. I countered that I didn't want a full prescription, just enough to get through to my actual doctor's appointment, and was lectured again that it would be irresponsible of them to do that...
...so, what? I couldn't get in to the doctor I wanted to see immediately after my insurance began, and they wouldn't take me before it began, or even to register to see him, so would it be MORE responsible to just let my prescriptions lapse and then go into my doctor's appointment two weeks later with stroke-level blood pressure because I was on NO drugs?
What, was I trying to SCAM them outta some of them sweet, sweet blood pressure drugs, that make me half-impotent most of the time? HOW SWEET to only be able to get half an erection, can we please keep it going? Or maybe I was just jonesing for more of the seizure medicine that makes my pee smell like two-day old burnt coffee? THAT SMELLS SO GREAT COMING OUT OF MY COCK.
How does half this dumbass county's kids get access to goddamn Oxycontin as easy as aspirin and I can't get fucking blood pressure meds??? WTF!
Calm.
The governor has issued an emergency declaration since most of the state is snowbound, and pharmacists can fill 30-days worth of non-controlled prescriptions without doctor's permissions. So now I just have to make it to Kroger tomorrow.
FUCK THIS WEATHER.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Not an option
I guess it's just normal to be fascinated by anybody's failure, unless it's your own, of course.
Look at reality television--built on finding out, each week, who will fail. Who will not advance to be the next top chef, model, weight loser, etc. I'd like to think that people usually watch to find out if their favorites win, but I've been to the watching parties, and that's not what's going on.
At their core, most people want justice served, on a silver platter, tied up with a big red bow if that's not too much trouble, there's a dear, thank you so much. No, we won't eat it now, just put it on the table so we can just pick at it and slice it apart, and find all the faults and make fun of it to its face.
When you see somebody being a cunt to others, and getting away with it, the universe screams at you to root for vengeance.
But it's not just TV. Most people in this life would gladly flaunt what they have and you don't, because they want to feel better about themselves. Possessions, relationships, wealth, creative ability... they want you to know how great they are and aren't you jealous? And if you say you're not jealous, they dismiss it. Of course you're jealous, they claim, scrabbling at their possessions and whatnot and holding them close to themselves, because you would steal it if you thought you could get away with it. And there's a hint of truth to that.
I'd like to hold my head up high and claim that I'm nothing like this, but I can't. When I watch Intervention, the episodes I look forward to are the ones where people fail in their recovery, or "where are they now" eps where the crack addict is back on the street, blowing guys for money. I don't know why, but those are far more satisfying to watch. Perhaps I do not believe that I can maintain sobriety, or deal with depression the rest of my life? Perhaps seeing failure in others helps stave off the belief that it'll happen to me again? Or maybe I'm just an asshole.
Right now I am on the cusp of returning to some sort of life, but nothing to show for it, and nobody to share it with. The people I cared about once routinely ignore me, even on facebook where it's easy enough to "like" a post, as if to say, "Yes, I remember that you're still alive," but they never do it. The people who have been most important to me have abandoned me, and would not return, it seems, to piss on me if I was on fire. Most of this was my fault, but not all of it. I seem to pick bad matches when choosing relationships.
John Watson, at one point in BBC's Sherlock, asks what he did to deserve everybody in his life to be sociopaths, and it's pointed out to him that he made the choice... he chose his fiance to wed, his psycho roommate for a best friend. He didn't consciously know of their darker selves. Or did he just not want to admit that?
I gave up hiding what I was a while back, even if I didn't do much to change it. I suffer from depression, although "suffer" seems a small word to describe what it does to me. I have a tendency to drink too much if allowed, which I am doing a good job of controlling once again nowadays, after a big stumble off the path when Ex made a half-hearted attempt at some kind of reconciliation, although I doubt his sincerity now. But during the interview I limited any drinking I did to beers, and only with the potential boss. Even going out to the bars, I only had ginger ale, and though I was obviously fresh meat on the market, I did not fall victim to the sharks circling me.
I just wonder whether the success I seem to be about to achieve will really happen, or will I fall back on the old ways and be the contestant sent home in disgrace. I like to believe that I will flourish.
I believed once before, though, and the story did not end in my favor.
Look at reality television--built on finding out, each week, who will fail. Who will not advance to be the next top chef, model, weight loser, etc. I'd like to think that people usually watch to find out if their favorites win, but I've been to the watching parties, and that's not what's going on.
At their core, most people want justice served, on a silver platter, tied up with a big red bow if that's not too much trouble, there's a dear, thank you so much. No, we won't eat it now, just put it on the table so we can just pick at it and slice it apart, and find all the faults and make fun of it to its face.
When you see somebody being a cunt to others, and getting away with it, the universe screams at you to root for vengeance.
But it's not just TV. Most people in this life would gladly flaunt what they have and you don't, because they want to feel better about themselves. Possessions, relationships, wealth, creative ability... they want you to know how great they are and aren't you jealous? And if you say you're not jealous, they dismiss it. Of course you're jealous, they claim, scrabbling at their possessions and whatnot and holding them close to themselves, because you would steal it if you thought you could get away with it. And there's a hint of truth to that.
I'd like to hold my head up high and claim that I'm nothing like this, but I can't. When I watch Intervention, the episodes I look forward to are the ones where people fail in their recovery, or "where are they now" eps where the crack addict is back on the street, blowing guys for money. I don't know why, but those are far more satisfying to watch. Perhaps I do not believe that I can maintain sobriety, or deal with depression the rest of my life? Perhaps seeing failure in others helps stave off the belief that it'll happen to me again? Or maybe I'm just an asshole.
Right now I am on the cusp of returning to some sort of life, but nothing to show for it, and nobody to share it with. The people I cared about once routinely ignore me, even on facebook where it's easy enough to "like" a post, as if to say, "Yes, I remember that you're still alive," but they never do it. The people who have been most important to me have abandoned me, and would not return, it seems, to piss on me if I was on fire. Most of this was my fault, but not all of it. I seem to pick bad matches when choosing relationships.
John Watson, at one point in BBC's Sherlock, asks what he did to deserve everybody in his life to be sociopaths, and it's pointed out to him that he made the choice... he chose his fiance to wed, his psycho roommate for a best friend. He didn't consciously know of their darker selves. Or did he just not want to admit that?
I gave up hiding what I was a while back, even if I didn't do much to change it. I suffer from depression, although "suffer" seems a small word to describe what it does to me. I have a tendency to drink too much if allowed, which I am doing a good job of controlling once again nowadays, after a big stumble off the path when Ex made a half-hearted attempt at some kind of reconciliation, although I doubt his sincerity now. But during the interview I limited any drinking I did to beers, and only with the potential boss. Even going out to the bars, I only had ginger ale, and though I was obviously fresh meat on the market, I did not fall victim to the sharks circling me.
I just wonder whether the success I seem to be about to achieve will really happen, or will I fall back on the old ways and be the contestant sent home in disgrace. I like to believe that I will flourish.
I believed once before, though, and the story did not end in my favor.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Matthew 7:5 & Intervention failure
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
A really idiotic right-wing talk show host made fun of Obama for trying, unsuccessfully, to quote this bible verse; he got "beam" wrong, which he mistakenly used the word "log," as opposed to what most other translations use, which is "plank." The intention was the same, a piece of wood.
The host then went on about "mote" thinking the President meant "moat," which is a water-filled ditch circling a dwelling, saying, shouldn't it also be a piece of wood? It makes no sense! Completely missing, of course, that Obama got that part of the verse right and the previous part wrong.
The bible is fraught with contradictions, but I found this one particularly ironic, given how pious the host acts. It's like Tea-Baggers who demand drug tests for people on welfare, despite all the evidence that says this is a waste of money, since poor people can't afford drugs, flagrantly spending their gummint monies on frivolous things like food and rent. Sometimes oxygen is wasted on these people.
++++++++++++++++++++
I have a small tolerance for hypocrisy, mostly because I despise it when I find myself practicing it, because it seems I never get away with it, yet everybody else seems to enjoy it with abandon. Out of everything I count as my sins, my hypocrisy is one I've definitely paid for, so when I see it in others I want them to pay.
But honestly, you can only do that if you have a conscience. Many don't. The technical term for this used to be "sociopathy," i.e. having no empathy, but I'm sure they've reclassified it and renamed it something so that sociopaths don't feel so bad about being assholes.
I will not find out if my new life begins before the end of the month. It is another countdown I have to endure... the Waiting Game is important to get to the best position in life, and I've been impatient too many times, wanting the good things to happen to me when I didn't really believe I deserved them. Now I do, but I can't rush it.
Eh, I had a lot to say about stuff, but it'll have to wait. I am dog tired. And now sleep.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
I would walk 500 miles...
...although we know that's never going to happen, not in one day. But apparently, if my math is correct, I can walk ten miles a day when I need to, which I did do from Tuesday at noon to Thursday at noon.
The truth is that I didn't get everything done that I wanted to. I did, however, pick up the new issue of Saga, plus the second issue of Marvel's Star Wars (which is surprisingly good, having art by John Cassady certainly helps), and a few various others, at the comic book store voted "best in [this city] but honestly wouldn't even qualify for best in Kentucky, and spent a few minutes in their bathroom, which they share with a lingerie shop, in a building that the Victorian houses in Boston would have deemed "futuristic" but had only enough room for a contortionist from Cirque de la Soliel to be able to wipe his ass in.
I don't really think I walked twenty miles, because I'm converting from my cell's pedometer apps, which are not known for pinpoint accuracy, because they measure steps and are not too great at it. Plus, since they measure steps, and I know my gait is shorter than most other people, the conversion process can't be accurate. But fifteen miles in two days? I can believe that.
++++++
The city is one I could see myself living in, the job is one I know I would excel at, the boss already likes me from prior dealings and if not for the whiff of saltwater blowing in from the bay, which I did not know was probably the smell of fish because it smelt to me like farts (perhaps, then, fish farts), I could find no fault with living there.
In two weeks, says the boss, he'll be able to make the offer. In six, I should be there, working in their new facilities. By May, I will be in my apartment.
Life is going to be good again, soon.
The truth is that I didn't get everything done that I wanted to. I did, however, pick up the new issue of Saga, plus the second issue of Marvel's Star Wars (which is surprisingly good, having art by John Cassady certainly helps), and a few various others, at the comic book store voted "best in [this city] but honestly wouldn't even qualify for best in Kentucky, and spent a few minutes in their bathroom, which they share with a lingerie shop, in a building that the Victorian houses in Boston would have deemed "futuristic" but had only enough room for a contortionist from Cirque de la Soliel to be able to wipe his ass in.
I don't really think I walked twenty miles, because I'm converting from my cell's pedometer apps, which are not known for pinpoint accuracy, because they measure steps and are not too great at it. Plus, since they measure steps, and I know my gait is shorter than most other people, the conversion process can't be accurate. But fifteen miles in two days? I can believe that.
++++++
The city is one I could see myself living in, the job is one I know I would excel at, the boss already likes me from prior dealings and if not for the whiff of saltwater blowing in from the bay, which I did not know was probably the smell of fish because it smelt to me like farts (perhaps, then, fish farts), I could find no fault with living there.
In two weeks, says the boss, he'll be able to make the offer. In six, I should be there, working in their new facilities. By May, I will be in my apartment.
Life is going to be good again, soon.
Friday, February 6, 2015
I can make you Hurt
Everything on me is sore and I have a huge blister on my left big toe filled with blood and I think I got the job.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Hey Nigel, this is "The End!" - Dynapink
Well. Time to pack a couple of dress outfits that aren't too dressy yet also aren't so nerdy and geeky that I get knocked out of the running. It is going to be an early night. And an early morning.
And I just got contacted for the same job at a competitor in the same city. Weird.
+++++++++++++
Teeth: brushed to maximumness, again tomorrow morning.
Toothbrush and travel size toothpaste and mouthwash: purchased.
Ear hair: shaven.
Nose hair: ick, shaven.
Facial hair: to be groomed tomorrow morning.
Hopefully my brother can stop by tonight and help dress me.
And I just got contacted for the same job at a competitor in the same city. Weird.
+++++++++++++
Teeth: brushed to maximumness, again tomorrow morning.
Toothbrush and travel size toothpaste and mouthwash: purchased.
Ear hair: shaven.
Nose hair: ick, shaven.
Facial hair: to be groomed tomorrow morning.
Hopefully my brother can stop by tonight and help dress me.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Saga
Well, it looks like I know one place I have to visit during my trip, one that I was going to avoid because if I get the job, it'll be tight for the first year as I get used to my surroundings, and that's... I have to visit a comic book shop. Saga returns on Wednesday.
It is kind of a convenient excuse, but I do have to get Saga on release day, and I'm supposed to be scoping the sights anyway, so I might as well. Honestly though, other than Saga and maybe more Tales of the Beanworld, there aren't a lot of new comics coming out that I care about.
Both DC and Marvel are rebooting everything, and frankly it sucks the life and enthusiasm out of me to just think about following that shit. Disrespectful for fans, too. "Hey thanks for investing a good portion of your life and money in our product, EVERYTHING YOU LOVED IS GONE." Well fuck you too, guys.
I've given most of my old comics to my little cousin, and he thinks I'm the shit now. I haven't the heart to tell him I'm not all that. I think there'll be one more box to give him if I get the job... after this if I'm curious about any new comics, I'll just get them from the torrents.
Except for Saga and TOTB of course. Have to get those on release day.
It is kind of a convenient excuse, but I do have to get Saga on release day, and I'm supposed to be scoping the sights anyway, so I might as well. Honestly though, other than Saga and maybe more Tales of the Beanworld, there aren't a lot of new comics coming out that I care about.
Both DC and Marvel are rebooting everything, and frankly it sucks the life and enthusiasm out of me to just think about following that shit. Disrespectful for fans, too. "Hey thanks for investing a good portion of your life and money in our product, EVERYTHING YOU LOVED IS GONE." Well fuck you too, guys.
I've given most of my old comics to my little cousin, and he thinks I'm the shit now. I haven't the heart to tell him I'm not all that. I think there'll be one more box to give him if I get the job... after this if I'm curious about any new comics, I'll just get them from the torrents.
Except for Saga and TOTB of course. Have to get those on release day.
The Meaning of Life
Well, that escalated quickly.
Look at the comments on anywhere this video is being posted, and you'll see why I don't believe in a god. For a people who claim to be following a loving god, and practicing a religion based on love and requiring you leave the ultimate judgment up to their creator, Christians are surprisingly quick to toss you in the pits of hell to burn for all eternity, despite "hell" not really existing in the bible.
I get the idea that, given a chance, some Christians would gladly burn you alive themselves, as Jephthah did to his daughter for the terrible sin of being the first person to greet him after defeating the Ammonites. Really, Dad? That's some tough love. And it's not something I want to be party to.
This seems to sum up how I feel about organized religion.
I have a desire to write about a dream I had, involving Ex... several dreams, in fact. In the past few days, as I've gotten closer to my trip, they've been escalating, in both volume and emotional intensity. It is early morning, however, and I am still looking at apartments and figuring where to visit on my trip. I can focus on the other stuff later.
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